2026-06-27 // 12h30

Dear witness of my words,

I tossed & turned throughout the night. I wanted so desperately to stay asleep, laying in bed until noon at least. Yet, I awoke at 8am and grew green with envy. What it must be like to sleep as soundly as Damien. Did no thoughts plague him?

I realized my envy came from the thought of having no melancholy, and when he awoke, he told me he tossed and turned as well. I was envious of an assumption. I wondered how many negative thoughts of mine were founded in incorrect assumptions – of myself and also of others?

I am good. Damien has laid out those facts.

I am cool. Chandler has given me proof.

How often had I thought that I wasn’t enough? Were these insecurities founded in anything other than anxiety?

I have more self-love than I ever had before. I am the most confident in myself and my choices than in the past.

Yet I can’t help but notice how quiet I’ve become. I apologize for everything, and most frequently, I apologize for being too much. I apologize for breathing, for sneezing, for laughing, for talking. Talking too much – too loud – out of turn. What happened to the girl who would unapologetically take up space?

One time on the bus, I think in my senior year of high school, after school on pajama day. I didn’t know it was pajama day, and sitting at the back of the bus I was loudly complaining how I wish I had known because I just got the cutest set. I know I was loud – it was a packed bus.

Someone a little ahead of me, I think his name was Russel, yelled back at me:

“Shut the fuck up – we get it!”

I’m sure I thought my comeback was cleverer than it was, but I didn’t apologize. I simply was mindful of my volume but continued onwards. There is a time and place to be loud, that was clearly not it.

I never considered myself to be shy or quiet, but little by little, I have minimized myself to be neither seen nor heard, my apologies are for existing, I have courage of conviction. I’ve been too scared of disagreement.

Perhaps my therapist has a point in asking what it would feel like to be misunderstood with no correction.

I was sparked alive this morning by Damien; I have to write something about that now.

XoXo

With highest regards,

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